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I really don't know how to get this through people but please, leave a name. If you've taken the trouble to write an extra long comment, which I appreciate really, please leave a name.

Anyways, thanks for the comment. I just don't really think people ought to find or seek support. I mean, I've hit brick wall after brick wall trying that path so why shouldn't take a little less populated route? I mean, sure, no one's a COMPLETE loner in this world, but I think that having the few loyal friends is more important than trying to get the general school body to like you. There simply isn't time to worry about being liked or not. By the time it comes to that, it'll be your literature teacher worrying about giving you a pass or a fail grade.

I communicate and try to get along with people, but sometimes I feel that their attempts are a bit fake. They talk to you, give you presents etc... Like last year when I was one of the new kids, they tried. But other than birthdays they quite let it slide. I know that because I somehow keep getting left out with the same folks for groupwork. You can try but seriously, maneuvering from last table to the middle of the class is no mean feat. You're already in the "we-have-no-space-for-you-category".

Sometimes, especially when year-end-examinations are drawing near, you've got to cast aside all these sort of worries and let the Lord deal with everyone else's gossip. You can never tell who's talking about you and who's loyal in school,for sure at least. I can't help it if someone thinks I'm not doing my part for a group or the team. When someone wants to go over and above the requirements, I say, go ahead. But you can't expect everyone to follow you. With the bare requirements some people aren't helping, much less the extra.

Me

Explanation

How do I say this? I know some people wouldn’t want to be caught dead with me for a day and some people abhor the way I do things. Some friends think that I’m going to be anorexic or some wrist-slashing girl. Or rather, they see me as the number one candidate for the post of sucking up to people.

Well, all I can say is that those speculations are way off.

Do any of you know me? In primary school I was the person who was the most into romance novels and love stories. I had a fling with classical music when I was in my sixth year. I think I was the only person who carried a novel to school then with a really good kissing scene.

I think I’m the way I am, namely, the girl who doesn’t hang out much or talk to her classmates about stars and Korean dramas or anime or does facebook or dances to good music or join the group in the same sentiments for or against someone, because I’m scared. I’ve been to a point where I could see myself abandoning my old self completely and becoming a cool, popular girl who was always looked up to.

Only I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose my love for literature or art or of God. I feared myself walking into a museum one day and finding myself bored. I’m drawn to the pop culture and all, I don’t mind talking when there’s assembly, its just that there’s always this sinking feeling like when I know that someone knows that I’ve read Sabbath’s Theatre by Philip Roth and regretted it.

Most of the adults find me mature and all that. Perhaps it’s just my upbringing. Imagine a single child with parents with her almost constantly. My parents went through the best times of my childhood with me. Those good times weren’t when I played with my friends in kindergarten because they called me a pig. Those good times weren’t during my early primary school days when people on my bus called me an ABC (American-backside-cleaner). I went to them when this happened and I learnt that if you told adults, they could get something fixed, and fixed rather well.

I’ve been to the precipice, where I could have gone on to read every single good teenage romance novel or high school drama. Believe it or not, my mother started me on Jodi Picoult. I could have become someone who could talk about whatever it is people like to talk about when they send notes around the class, but then I didn’t want to lose the other life I lead. If I started to be more like my age, wearing trends and buying magazines or watching weird videos on YouTube, I think I would have lost it.

If I followed that path, I would be playing Maple Story (which I was once addicted to), re-reading parts of stories where the love-chatter was at a high (which I sometimes do), becoming more insensitive to the world, joining a C0-Curricular activity that wasn’t as under populated as debate, and failing. I get drawn into some things very easily and I think I know myself well enough to stay the way I am because I know that I’ll be staying back for remedial because I flunked a test. I had horrible test grades in primary school when my friends broke off from me and I didn’t want that experience again, where people would see me as so utterly desperate for friends and fitting in.

When I was unbothered by the friend-political-cycle, I could write beautiful narratives. I remember two of them most clearly. One was about a raging fire in a high storey office building, of the pictorial sort. I ignored most of it and dived straight into a plot about an aged man who had his office at one of the higher floors. His business was failing and his granddaughter, who hugged a teddy bear, was with him. I can’t remember it all but it was the ashes from the ancestral niche that caught fire, which spurred a fire nothing could stop. The man regretted and tried to save the girl. In the end, there was only a glass bead from the teddy bear reflecting the devastation around it.

The second was about a car accident. A man was drunk and trying to commit suicide on the road. He didn’t feel remorse and simply drove the car into a boy who had just won the top prize for bicycle race. The boy lived, he didn’t. But still, I didn’t want my life to end like those two.

Since I’ve got to the stage where I am, I don’t want to reverse the cycle in order to fit in. People I actually hang out with don’t mind me being that way at all. It’s not like I’m going to be stuck in the netherworld of adolescence forever. I’ve got only this span of years and I can’t add a cubit to it.

But then maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I missed the whole point about growing up.

Liberation

After all's been said and done, I needn't have worried all that much. I'm not a councillor, but I still get the jitters everytime I hear people talking. Anyways, I've got a few loyal friends and that's fine by me.

Fire

If this is the only way I can get the message across, I'll use the last weapon in my arsenal, in terms of "passive" and "condusive" ways.

Right, laying it out.

I cannot take it when people PROMISE me something and not get it done.
I cannot condone sitting at my desktop waiting for an email to come from a friend who was in the same 6 meter radius as me for a good two hours and promised to tell me when she did.
I cannot tolerate it when people are told time and time again by me that I'm willing to help and that I'm just out the door helping the class with something and yet say, "You were there?"
I cannot stand it when people do all the above and I feel like the most miserable wretch and nervouse wreck in the class.

Alright, you've used your arsenal on my emotions and I'm certainly not taught about the various methods of revenge, neither do I have the support of any other person. But for goodness sake, sometimes the onus is on someone isn't it? I'm certainly not going to chase people like that. I am a peer,a student, a friend. Or am I wrong even on that account?

If I was sui generis, I'm sure I won't be what I am now. When I got back home I was fine, ready to face my homework and happy to be with my parents again. But even angels need some recognition and acceptance. I swear that I could possibly function in school without opening my mouth so speak and no one would be able to know the difference.

Okay, snap out of it, you've ranted. It is ten eighteen and you have English and Chinese left to do. And Geography revision for Thursday. I think I'll do devotions though. Can't let the devil take over me. Honestly, it feels like I'm Launcelot Gobbo sometimes. Run, don't run. Devil or Conscience. Self or selfless.

Its like King Lear, and I'm the fool with no money bags to make my friends kind. And I know just the person who is my pretty fool and who are my darrrrliinnnggg daughters.

Oh and I'm sorry, but this post isn't meant to target anyone in particular. Take it as artistic lisence. I'm on a bit of a "self-experimental mode".

Won't be blogging till after the exams if I can help it.

Thanks, Awfully

hey there. thanks so much for the encouragement. I was just depressed these few days but never mind, there's church tomorrow and for the first time since Pierre Brosman for 007, I will be uploading photos of the surprise! Okay, people in my class, hushity hush on this, I'm just so excited about putting the things together.

Oh yeah, and today I used one of the thin cloth with about 5% spandex shirts that my aunt handed down to me. I made it into a bolero cum cape. Just slot your arms through the collar hole then slot them into the sleeves. Use a v-neck long sleeved shirt for this, it looks really nice. But don't expect to wear it as a v-neck ever again because the material will stretch too much.

ha ha. I don't have cash, I low on money, so the only thing left is to stay happy.

signing off today as Knitogether.